Cuts to the US defence budget introduced by President Obama as a result of the recent recession have led to a brilliantly inventive breakthrough, and a canny money-saving scheme, at the Miami state weapons division.
Though trial and error they have developed a method converting bottle-nosed dolphins into nuclear warheads.
After their fins are trimmed away, the creatures fit snugly inside a torpedo tube and can be propelled at great speed toward enemy shipping.
The genius of this idea lies in its simplicity, instead of an expensive homing device, all you need to do is attach a herring to the target’s hull and the starving creature will do the rest.
Dr Samuel Tex, spokesman for the weapons team explained how they had first hit on the idea after reading a funny poem about a squirrel that had had a stick of dynamite rammed into its anus by some naughty children.
‘The squirrel died, but it took the kids down with it!’ laughed Dr Tex, ‘and that’s when it hit us!’ He went onto explain how nuclear dolphins seemed like the next logical step.
Dolphins are already known to be used for attaching mines to enemy craft, and of course their skin is used to make stab vests. Not to be out done, the Russians have tried to emulate the feat using a sperm whale but unfortunately lost four sailors and a Ukrainian village in the attempt.
Nothing was left of the whale itself but police in Sussex are investigating reports of a three foot pancreas recovered from a pub garden in Chichester last week. The Iranians are believed to be working on a similar weapon using a bow and arrow and a large eel.