The French navy have been desperately spraying the country’s coast with bathroom sealant after the news broke that most of the country is in fact soluble and is in danger of fizzing into nothing because it is made of aspirin. While this problem primarily effects the French the whole of Western Europe has been put on standby as an aspirin this magnitude is liable to spin out of control and could cause incalculable damage. Experts have been asked to help but most of them ran away screaming. It is unclear how this fact has eluded detection for so long, or indeed why only the French landmass appears to be made from the painkiller but we can only assume it’s simply a well kept secret. There was a report last year that a small Caribbean island turned out to be made of Viagra but this was not confirmed as female geologist sent to investigate the claims applied for residency shortly after arriving. A spokesman for the French Government said that although he hoped it would not happen, were this giant headache pill to dissolve it would ultimately be a great relief for all concerned.