Geologists Say Scottish Independence is Unlikely

Alex Salmond

In order to allow Scotland to separate fully from England an earthquake of unparalleled magnitude would be required. Despite his considerable size, even if you were to drop Alex Salmond from the edge of the atmosphere and he collided exactly with the border it would only provide 17%  of the fifty million kilotons of energy required to divide the rock.

Even if many thousands of obese volunteers gave their lives in this way it would, at best, cause a small gap over which a reasonably healthy goat could jump if properly motivated, not a lasting solution.

Geologists from Sevenoaks University have concluded that the only way create a gap wide enough to absorb a thousand years of hatred would be to bombard Northumberland and Lanarkshire with nuclear warheads …. a policy which would be somewhat counter-productive.

So in essence the referendum would merely be an administrative gesture peppered with caveat’s like ‘gis a fag pal’ or ‘can ya lend us a fiver till pay day like?’

One other matter Mr Salmond has overlooked is that Scotland is not sufficiently buoyant to support itself and were it to separate from the British mainland it would, in all likelihood sink.

These things may seem trivial but the welfare of the average Scottish Citizen (of which Mr Salmond is not) is of great concern to the English. Quite apart from the fact they produce the most important drink in the universe, they also have some fine looking women and superb golf courses.

There is also much debate about using shortbread as currency. Counterfeit money is hard enough to police as it is without people baking great tins of it in the comfort of their own home.

These and other questions must weigh heavily upon the mind of Mr Salmond, just enough to counter balance his marvellously podgy torso.