Having agreed to continue where George Lucas left off butchering the Star Wars franchise into a shadowy CGI bastardisation of what was once the most loved trilogy of movies ever made, the Disney Corporation have vowed to go one better having purchased movie rights to the Holy Bible.
And guess who will take the helm of the new film?
None other than their new best friend, the aforementioned Mr Lucas!
The first film: ‘The Phantom Bang!’ sees a young boy ‘Jehovah’ hit upon the idea of building ‘everything’ in between working at the local dime store and helping his sick mother (Something he finds quite easy to do as he is both benevolent and omnipresent, a fact he hides from his friends in case they stop liking him).
Far across the ‘nothingxy’ (that’s what they had before galaxys) the evil Pagan Emperor Lord Goatfornicator is poisoning the Pre-universe with sluts, class A drugs, late night parties and a complete absense of guilt.
Little Jehovah is drawn into the action by a series of highly implausible plot twists, badly thought out links and actors who have no chemistry together.
In the final CGI-a-thon thousands of robots and gigantic spaceships fly around in a dizzying battle that bears no relevance to the earlier plot and seems to peter out in the background as the lead characters hastily try to prevent the audience from falling asleep by conjuring up some pointless twist allowing for a lead-in to the tiresome sequel.
Somewhere in the third film Jehovah wins and decides to create the Universe in seven days but the victory is bitter sweet as his wife dies leaving just their two twin children Adam and Eve who end up having to sleep together due to an absence of other sexual partners rendering the entire human race inbred.
Can’t wait for that then!