Yesterday, Americans took time to reflect on the things they value most in life: insatiable gluttony, murdering Indians, and a version of football where the foot is used for about 15% of the competition.
As is tradition, thousands of turkeys met their demise in order to satisfy the notorious Yankee appetite. This year however, those turkey’s are exacting revenge from beyond the grave.
“I was sleeping in my bed, surrounded by taco wrappers – that’s a year-round thing – when I heard an odd pecking sound coming from the closet,” claims a man named George who is wearing a trucker hat which reads “Free Colonoscopies.”
When George awoke, he was staring into the cold, dead eyes of the turkey he and his hideous family had consumed mere hours before. “I shit the bed,” George admits. “…that’s a year-round thing too though.” Oddly, that fact seems amusing to him.
All over the country disembodied turkey ghosts are springing up, scaring the wits and shits from people and generally causing a gobbley ruckus about town. Several have been targeting the turkeys that were pardoned by President Obama.
Entire farms of living turkey’s are being ordained as priests, in order to conduct effective turkey exorcisms.
AMC is confident it can make a more interesting television program out of this event than all four seasons of The Walking Dead have been.