Gladstone Cormorant: The Great Unwashed

Gladstone Cormorant

The legions of the unemployed clog the streets. This current economic decline has led to great idleness amongst the lower orders and has made them easy prey for slovenly behaviour, indulgence in liquor, loose gussets and socialism.

In these situations I do not see why we can’t learn from our glorious imperial past, so cruelly overlooked by out leftish rulers of today, and reintroduce the practice of slavery as a means of kick-starting some life back into our economy. Do not think I am trying to be needlessly cruel. I can reveal I have carried out a great deal of fieldwork on this issue.

Only the other month I spent two weeks at a specialist retreat in Romania in which I myself was enslaved at the hands of a select commune of fallen nuns who forced me to dress in a leather thong and carry out a number of menial and humiliating tasks such as cleaning my dungeon cell with a pink feather duster. These staunch, determined young ladies, a credit to their gender, beat me soundly whenever I misbehaved, chained me up and taunted me for up to three hours at a time and even, on occasion, used my mouth as a W.C. The experience, far from being demeaning and unpleasant, instead had the effect of cleansing my soul and indeed I would still have been there today had it not been for a slight mix-up with the local law enforcement agencies after I was taken ill on a poor dose of laudanum, mugged of my clothes and forced to wander the streets with only my personal neck massager to protect me.

The liberal establishment may weep, but it is only through strong discipline and a forced working practice that this once great nation can once again stand tall at the head of international industry. (And besides, I only wandered into the grounds of that building in order to borrow the flag from the pole so as to protect my modesty. If I’d known it was a sixth form college I would of course have stayed well clear).