Toilet cake, that magical, mystical substance responsible for preventing pub toilets across the world from stinking of piss is about to run out with spectacular consequences.
The rare and precious cake, often resembling a collection small green Weetabix around the urinal plughole, is made from Panda kidneys and we all know how many of them there are left.
In fact, the supply of panda kidneys ran out years ago so they’ve been making it from Orangutan testicles, but now they’ve run out.
Scientists have been working on a recipe made from chickens but so far it just makes the toilet smell like a wheelie bin parked out the back of a KFC restaurant.
Men must sit down to Pee!
So, with great reluctance, the government’s emergency Cobra team met last night and initiated the feared and fabled ‘order 14’ namely to restrict the use of every urinal in the country.
Other countries including European nations and the USA are expected to follow suit immediately.
The net result of this is that the world’s men will be forced to pee sitting down…something which goes against the marrow of most red-blooded males.
“The government are not expecting men to sit down to urinate!” Said a parliamentary spokesman this morning. “It’s a clear breach of their constitutional rights!”
So, with no other choice, men are being forced either to piss in their pants or all over the toilet floor.
The consequences have been both immediate and catastrophic.
Already the towns of Burnley, Bromley and Harwich are knee deep in piss and several small Pee-nami’s have been recorded bulldozing their way down the streets of Birmingham and Leicester.
The smell is making birds fall from the sky like quite heavy confetti and A&E clinics across the country are reporting hundreds of patients suffering from wet pants and sore foreskins.
The Queues outside pub toilets are running into their thousands and needless to say, considering that most of those waiting are hammered, are descending into some pretty serious singing!
This could be it for humanity.
Who’d of thought the inability to take a piss could have brought us to this!
So we appeal to you out there… if you do have a panda or an orangutan hidden in your house, maybe as a sex playmate… GIVE US ITS KIDNEYS NOW!