God takes away Scott Stapp’s money because Creed sucks ass

But don't worry folks, he can still afford video filters!

But don’t worry folks, he can still afford video filters!

In a beautiful display of divine retribution, the good lord has taken away every penny from Creed frontman Scott Stapp. The singer’s band had several chart-topping hits, but apparently god was not a fan, and like the sneaky bastard he is, waited almost ten years before recouping Stapp’s personal savings.

“I know a lot of their songs are about me,” god says. “But you know…fuck ’em.”

Stapp is now living out of a Holiday Inn. He enjoys the company of a ferret, and sings to himself all night long, though sober so the music sounds terrible. Can you take me higher? The answer is a resounding “NO.”

Scott Stapp cannot fathom why god is punishing him. Could it be because he’s a complete shithead who gropes people’s wives at charity poker tournaments? Could it be because he’s a sack of horse jizz who punches waiters and pisses on bar stools? Could it be because god just fucking hates his band’s awful music? Yes, yes it could be.

Haddock News would like to express our sincerest sympathies for Scott Stapp, and let him know that he is definitely not welcome on any of our couches.

For more on this conspiracy against a person who deserves it, click here.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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