A perfectly fine young man met the largest heartache in recent memory today. Evan Jilea of Yorkshire is current holed up in his apartment, alone, crying into a box of Oreo cookies and listening to Enya records. And not the poppy radio Enya tracks; that real ambient, instrumental shit.
The bout with all-encompassing depression began when Evan was made aware that Carley Gorin, a girl he was just crazy about, did not feel the same way about him. Sometime around 1:30pm, Ms. Gorin informed Evan that she’d prefer to keep their relationship as-is; really good, solid, platonic, non-sexing friends who occasionally hold hands at the mall, but not when there are people around.
Evan, who has been single for years and may be due for homosexual experimentation due to the opposite sex’s lack of interest, immediately drove himself home and started rooting through his impressive vinyl collection, stopping at brief intervals to hold his cat close. Once the Enya was selected and played, Evan covered himself in a blanket, looked both ways, and proceeded to seep teardrops between truncated heaves.
Experts are unsure how long this behavior will last; Mr. Jilea, having put a lot of eggs in this basket, will likely be keeping himself locked away for a long while. He has already called in for work tomorrow, further strengthening this theory. Concerned citizens wishing to sent care packages of chicken soup and chocolates are appreciated, but not needed, as Evan claims that he’s fine. FINE! YOU HEAR HIM?! FINE!
We at The Haddock just hope that his neighbors enjoy the soothingly dull shoegazing sounds of Enya.
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