Realizing their tradition of being unappealing, and even scary, towards many young children, the GOP announced that they will be introducing a new line of trading cards, featuring prominent Republican politicians, marketed toward the ‘tween’ crowd.
“After hearing elementary students singing praises to Obama, we we’re trying to find a way to push our image into the minds of youngsters, but when we sent people like Newt Gingrich and Bob Dole to elementary schools, children would either run screaming or hide their eyes and start crying.” Carl Rove admitted to reporters. “It was only cries of ‘he looks mean!’ or ‘it’s the Crypt Keeper!’ or ‘run, he’s gonna eat us!’ It was a public relations disaster.”
As hard as it was for the children to look at the parade of white-haired, stern looking, ‘lizard-esq’ old men, the policies were even harder for the children to understand. One Senator passed out candy to all the students. He said that under Obama, everyone would have to give their candy to the government through taxes, and collected all the candy for himself, which he ate in front of the students. He then passed out the more candy and again collected it stating that under his policies, only the richest 1%, like himself, could afford candy. In the end, he had eaten the candy and also beat up a small child for candy that his mother had packed for him.
Another Senator had the children send their homework to China, citing the jobs that were outsourced by companies because unionized workers demanded too many benefits. He later admitted that the Chinese children were better educated anyhow since he had voted to cut school funding, and he just wanted to boost test scores in his area. He then beat up a small child and took candy that his mother had packed for him.
The trading cards are just the first step toward bolster the Republican image in the eyes of children. Rove elaborated, “We will give them stats, and eventually superhero alter-egos that will correspond with a Saturday morning cartoon that is in development.” The stats on the back of the trading cards are set to include ‘money in offshore accounts,’ ‘number of jobs outsourced by affiliated companies,’ and ‘age,’ all of which contain numbers that are too high for most young students to comprehend. ‘Extramarital affairs’ was also included to add ‘hip factor’ to an age group more associated with ‘hip fracture.’ The superpowers will rage anywhere from the power of responsible spending and the power of constitutional rights, to the power of profiting off of unlimited military spending and the power to turn into a 50 foot robot, destroying every thing it its path by shooting laser beams from its eyes.
Included in the deck of trading cards will be notable living Presidents and Vice Presidents, Senators, Presidential hopefuls and past nominees, Jesus (who they feel is undoubtedly a Republican), and the late Arlen Spector, but only when the party is popular. Rove finished by saying, “Soon I hope you will be able to walk to any playground in the United Sates and hear ‘I’ll trade you my Pat Buchanan for your Ron Paul.”