Simon Cowell has had urgent meetings with ITV to discuss the recent fall in ratings of the X Factor.
Radio 4 today interviewed a Government Minister* to discuss the disappointing figures, the resulting drop in advertising revenue and the consequent impact on the economy.
The miniser put the slump down to a number of (non X) factors, including a decline in the overall popularity of reality TV shows, high ratings from other programmes, the performance of the new judges and Simon Cowell’s massive arrogant ego.
When quizzed further on the issue, the minister admitted that he thought the show lacked any merit or musical value, was bereft of talent, played to the lowest common denominator and was generally of a poor standard.
The interviewer then asked him ‘Are you saying the X Factor is a bag of shite?’ to which he replied ‘That is an accurate summary of my feelings’.
The prime minister immediately sought to fend off another political row by stating through gritted teeth that ‘Me and Samantha think it’s the best programme since Prisoner Cell Block H and never miss a show’
Cowell, however, didn’t hesitate to sack all the programme’s judges today. Kelly Rowland is to be replaced by scruffy, ageing, maverick singer Kevin Rowland of Dexy’s Midnight Runners who will require that all his acts sing versions of Come On Eileen.
Gary Barlow is to be replaced by former Corrie actress Thelma Barlow, who played Mavis Wilton for many years while Louis Walsh is to be replaced by a lamp stand.
The Haddock telephoned Simon Cowell at 2.30am this morning but he refused point blank to comment or give an interview.
*We won’t name the minister because we don’t want to get into trouble even though we probably wont anyway, but we’re too scared to test this theory!