Government Announces List of Banned Gestures!

Certain public gestures were today banned by the government, to promote fairness in Britain.

People smacking their lips and saying ‘aaahh’ after drinking a sip of tea or lager, in a public place, is to be banned. Culture Secretary, Jeremy Hunt said ‘this gesture implicitly says that one person has a better quality beverage than their immediate neighbour. These mannerisms cannot be tolerated in an equal-opportunity, 2012 Olympic Britain.

Other public gesticulations are also to face the axe under new government legislation. Large shopping centres and malls are from next year, to ban members of the public from placing their thumb to their nose, outstretching their fingers and saying ‘na, na, na, na, na, nah’.

Men raising their arm, clenching a fist while crossing it with their other arm and saying ‘Phwoaarr’ is to be confined to the smoking rooms of pubs (where smoking is banned anyway).

The Churchill ‘Victory V’ sign will remain on the statute books, but is only to be used on St. George’s Day and either of the Queen’s Birthdays.

Philip Hammond, the Transport Secretary, said that the Highway Code is to be rewritten and updated to show which car hand gestures are acceptable on the roads of modern Britain and which ones are banned forthwith.

Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition said ‘This law is ludicrous. It’s political correctness gone absolutely insane’. He then raised the middle finger of his left hand and waved it at David Cameron, which brought an immediate reprimand from the Speaker of the House. However, Miliband later defended his actions by claiming he was using parliamentary privilege at the time.