Disappointingly low quantities of crack cocaine have made it past the UK border police over the winter leaving authorities with no choice but to impose rationing.
Stand-crackpipes will be installed on street corners in Kent, Surrey and Sussex where people can collect fresh crack from main dealers while stocks last.
In preparation for the drought, prostitutes and two-bit Hos are being advised to conserve crack by regularly cleaning out their pipes and taking few hits further apart.
In addition to this collecting spent cigarette butts, licking five-pound notes and sifting through ashtrays for seeds and unfinished roaches is advisable.
If all these precautions are adhered to the supply of Crack should be replenished by small shipments over the summer allowing for a return to business as usual in the Autumn.
However for anyone daring to breech the ban justice will be swift and absolute. Smoking crack during a drug drought is punishable by five years desperately trying to get high by smoking tea, oregano and other so called ‘legal highs’ purchased at Camden Market.
You have been warned!