Government Issues list of things that DON’T give you Cancer

 The dwindling lists of non-cancer items

Following last week’s shocking announcement that air, love, smiling, distilled water and going to the toilet are now all carcinogens the government has decided to compile a definitive list of items which, so far as we know are non cancer causing. There are a few surprises on the list.

The top ten things that do not cause cancer are listed below

1) Hubcaps

2) Thinking (about nice things)

3) Reversing your car

4) Purple

5) Shoe laces

6) History

7) Power ballads

8) Snowmen

9) Suicide bombers

10) Most religions

The list which currently contains 147 items has been published as an iPhone app (known to cause cancer, RSI, blindness, headaches, stress related illness and bankruptcy …. always read the label) and on pieces of paper (low cancer risk according to the chief surgeon).

Hubcaps do not give you Cancer

Hubcaps do not give you Cancer

More things that Do cause Cancer

Sadly, whilst compiling the list a few new carcinogens were unearthed and it would be irresponsible for us not to tell you what the findings were. Here are ten new things suspected of causing cancer;

1) All other molluscs except limpets

2) Thinking of or reading articles about cancer

3) Driving your car forwards

4) All colours except purple

5) Shoes

6) The Future

7) Good music

8) Men

9) Suicide bombers who’s explosives fail to go off

10) God

New Cancer guidelines

On the basis of these findings the Governments Chief Surgeon has suggested that the best way to avoid cancer is to commit suicide using one of the ten things on the first list!