There were spontaneous scenes of celebration all across Britain after our athletes thrashed all challengers to dominate the fourth Self Pity Championships in Liverpool last night. The hotly tipped UK team, comprised of newspaper editors, premiership footballers, peers from the House of Lords and students wowed the judges with an awe inspiring display of snobbery, bigotry, small minded and deliberate misunderstandings of other cultures, jealousy, misplaced pride and inflated egos.
Things started well for the Brits with the 100 metres Slander in which a highly fancied team of tabloid columnists stormed to the world record with over seven hundred and fifty half truths, urban legends, lies and suppositions on a whole range of subjects from the recent oil spillage in the Gulf of Mexico to the wife of the French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Next up came a slight wobble when a combined team of Welsh and Scottish nationalists were narrowly pipped to the Anglophobia Cup by the Republic of Ireland. However things got right back on track when a relay team of disaffected Goth teenagers from Uttoxeter saw off a strong challenge from the United States in the Hate My Parents Freestyle and a truly memorable evening was topped off when, for the fifth year running, our boys stormed home to take gold in the Xenophobia Stakes with a strong diatribe of racially motivated abuse against other nations who had proved superior to ourselves in any sporting field. Minister for Naval Gazing Sir Asparagus Waverley was one of the first to congratulate our triumphant champs, saying; â€œWe would have won by even more only the German referee
had brown hair like Hitlerâ€™s and the weather, which was caused by global warming, made the pitch all wet and lumpy.â€