Haddock Editorial: Vegan Zombies Face a Moral Dilemma

What becomes of the broken hearted? That is the title of the sequel to a very fine film, but unfortunately isn’t the topic of this article.

What becomes of vegans during the dreaded zombie apocalypse? Right, that’s better. And what better time to examine that subject than now, considering that the zombie apocalypse happened last Tuesday.

It happened last Tuesday?

Yes, yes it did. Sorry if you’re just getting around to finding out, but as we say at The Haddock, “news is little more than the spoilers of life.” That being what it is, let’s dive in here.

It takes a keen eye to spot vegan zombies, because you’ve generally got a dozen or so non-vegan zombies obscuring your view. My cunning and ridiculously muscular body made the meat-eaters fall with little problem. I walked to the arts district, where I found what I was looking for: a vegan zombie, clunking it’s face into the window of an organic bakery. I knew to look there, because their beet root cupcakes were highly regarded before Tuesday. They seem to be closed for the apocalypse currently.

Sadly in this zombie apocalypse the zombies are slow movers and do the whole gargley-noises schtick, so here’s some stuff I wrote for the zombie I encountered to say:

This is a poster someone made because of how muscular I am, and how well I thwart non-vegan zombies.

This is a poster someone made because of how muscular I am, and how well I thwart non-vegan zombies.

“It’s a definite pickle – becoming undead like this – seeing as I was a vegan in my past life. I’ve got this new predisposition to eating the flesh of the living, when all I really want is tofu patties, for finger sandwiches. It’s times like this that you really wish Hufu had taken off.”

With that information not helping to inform my opinion whatsoever, my take remains the same: when it comes to eating people just don’t do it. Unless people taste really, really good. Like best steak you’ve ever had, $150, fancy napkins and cummerbunds type of good.

If the case turns out to be that people taste that good – and mind you, that is a big if – then and only then should they should be killed. By hyper-intelligent cows.

Yes! Let the cows have at it!

It’s really the only fair thing to do.

Now as for the issue of veganism in the zombie apocalypse, I’m all for it. Give wheat a chance, undead citizens of the world! This, I mainly feel due to the fact that no one seems to be able to give me a straight answer as to what happens when there are no more people left on the planet. Do the zombies die again? Do they start eating eachother? Do they just walk around and bump into things for all eternity?

The key to never finding out is veganism. I guess. I don’t know, I clocked out of this piece about 300 words back. I look so ripped in that poster.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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