It has long been a standing claim by practitioners of western medicine that drinking while pregnant is somehow a bad idea. Thankfully, we know dozens of back-ally pseudo-doctors and faith healers!
“Woman should drink alcohol every day of pregnancy. And every day after, and, every day before.” This is the claim of Harnand Hidalgo Rodriguez Migelito Ortega Gran, a man who is certainly not a doctor. Our findings, much like our open sores, are jaw-dropping.
Mr. Hidalgo Rodriguez Migelito Ortega Gran is a traffic attendant at the third world’s foremost authority on pregnant drinking: Tijuana Louie’s Hole, better know as the full nude strip club where every dancer is pregnant.
“Our girls drink constantly and still turn out high-quality babies,” claims the establishment’s proprietor Jose Montoya Alonzo Manza. “I mean these girls girls are drunk as shit out there; their embryonic fluid is Apple-tini. I saw one girl puke all over her baby bump, then go into labor right then and there. Turned out a great kid, that one!”
These are expert opinions, but let’s hear from the opposition in some laboratory. Surely they’ve got some rain for this parade of sloshy-bunned ovening!
“No, actually we’re pretty cool too,” claims a dorky looking dude called Dr. Collin Demps of the Melletrix Uterolabs and Research Facility in Ladyfinger, Scotland. “Drinking while pregnant has been shown to have dozens of positive effects: it makes babies much cooler and fun to be around. They become the life of the party! Drunk mothers, drunk babies, drunk everybody, who fucking cares about life? YOLO, and the like, suck off your best friend’s father in a tool shed.”
So, there you have it. The Haddock recommends that expecting mothers soak themselves in red wine, suck grain alcohol through garden hoses, and administer vodka enemas by the assload. When your children are old enough for manual labor, there will certainly be a job waiting for them at Haddock News.