Haddock History: Remembering the Cuban Whistle Crisis

 The Cuban Whistle Crisis!

We know you don’t care about history. No one does; that’s why there is no such thing as historians. However, we at the Haddock Cultural Society would like to take the opportunity to offer literally zero insight into the present or future by taking a look at the bullshit of the past.

Political cartoon from the era

Political cartoon from the era

The Cuban Whistle Crisis occurred in 1962, following a governmental coup launched by Fidel Casblow against then-president Fulgencio Bawhistla. Casblow’s regime promised liberation to the impoverished whistles of the island nation, and bananas. “Lots and lots of bananas!” he shouted from the rooftops. “There’s no specific plan for the bananas, but by holy Mother Mary Sister Maricruz, every one of you fucking people is going to have one!”

Bananas hadn’t been discovered to be edible at that point in history.

Casblow’s overthrow was seen as a serious threat to the American whistle manufacturing industry, which had been booming uncontrollably since music became re-legalized in 1958. The whistle lobby was so strong that the government had no choice but to hear their concerns, and then launch a wide-spread military campaign based on those same charges.

American forces stormed the beaches of Cuba. Sadly it was the one time that a group of Americans decided to travel without carrying weapons.

Essentially, that’s pretty much the whole deal: a bunch of whistles were arguing on an island, American whistles, and then some politicing. Also, card tricks, and also bandannas.

To give the subject some modern relevance, here is a brief list of songs inspired by the incident’s sequence of events:

  1. There It Go (Whistle Song) – Juelz Santana – A somber love song about unrequited love in a forgotten Cuba full of women
  2. Whistle – Flo Rida – A feelgood song harkening back to the bygone era of Cuban whistle idealism
  3. Just Buggin’ – Whistle – The group’s name is Whistle, so it works inherently
  4. Whistle – Jérémie Bellomo – A feelgood romp through atonalism with a French Canadian
  5. Anything by Kenny G. Did you know that he was once a badass?

Alright, that’s enough history for one day. Read a book sometime, you Youtube-obsessed techno-heathens..