Haddock Presents: Embarrassing Bodies with Dr Farquar

Dr Farquar’s Casebook! September 2011

I’m a zookeeper. My mouth is where my anus should be. My penis is where my right thumb should be. Should I be careful in the monkey enclosure at feeding time? Claude Nutts

DR F: Lucky you! So you still talk shite but don’t need a dummy anymore?

I’ve an embarrassing body. It’s the body of elders at my church. When they are not trying to feel me up and keep showing me their nobs they are offering to shag my Great Grandmother. Lil Tot

DR F: Religious cults are responsible for all the most appalling deviant behaviour towards vulnerable people. I for one, never miss a meeting.

I’ve an embarrassing body….of water. I’ve just pissed myself. Curt Short

DR F: Pull yourself together man, or you won’t ever sit on my lap again. Bladder control is more difficult for women and needs regular testing. For instance with cystitis female patients may feel the need to come to my surgery and continue to take the urine, and if they do, I’ll fetch them one across the tits.

Why has Buddha got an embarrassing body? Nothing in the book of Zen about eating that many pies, is there? Jemima Blasphemy

DR F: No fat bastard like him is going to teach me anything about self-discipline. You can’t replace a BP monitor for meditation. Think about it!

You have an embarrassing body. You have three testicles. Sean Yascrotum

DR F: That’s so I can come right left and centre.

I have an embarrassing body. I’m so obese, I can jaywalk while sitting on a park bench. Fatima Leggings

DR F: Don’t take on so. You are a little over-nourished, that’s all!  If you want a reassuring chat with your GP who is here to support you, why not reverse into my surgery anytime. When we know you are coming we will take all the pictures off the wall first.

I have an embarrassing body. I’m a tortoise. I was mugged by 8 snails and 5 slugs. They threw me on my back and one by one raped me. It all happened so quick!  Shell Buggeredtoo

DR F: Myrtle my Turtle carries Mace at all times in case of amphibian atrocities. The trouble is the aerosol deterrent doesn’t work underwater and a whole school of guppies fucked her senseless while a shoal of angelfish looked on helplessly. When she finally escaped she hid inside her shell and the Mace went off un-expectantly and now, not only is she robbed of her reptilian innocence, she can’t see feckall either, and keeps walking into the sides of her aquarium.

I’ve an embarrassing body. I have acne and have tried every product to get rid of it. Last time you prescribed me a balaclava, which did help for a while because in the cold weather nobody thinks twice about staring at me. But to be honest, when its 85 degrees I do get some funny looks on the bus. Lance Pimples

Dr F: It’s only a phase! Just keep smiling but don’t get too much on the bathroom mirror. A good mental attitude will knock spots of anybody else.

I have very large breasts. They are so large that the nipples are used as helicopter ports. Most men love them but now their wives want to touch them too in shops for the larger lady. Esther Mate

DR F: You have a very large vagina too. Taking the tube home must be nightmare for you. The station announcement of ‘Mind the gap