Haddock Reporter: Latest Victim of World’s Worst Father!
By Chip Onshoulder
A mobile communications salesman and crap driver was last night branded THE WORST FATHER IN BRITAIN after he FAILED to put his bins out in time causing his kids to live in a hellhole squalor for UP TO TWO WEEKS. Bainswell Bylon, 36, of 28 Glitter Road, Cockburn-on-the-Wash, Somershire, telephone number 06596,387,123, apparently ‘forgot’ to take out the rubbish on a Wednesday night the morning before they were due to be collected by the dustmen and ALSO thinks its acceptable to CUT UP another driver going at a reasonable speed in a thirty zone then try and shift responsibility with the insurance company just because he got back-ended. As a result of his selfish actions his entire family were put at risk of rats sneaking into his house and devouring the feet of his family as they slept and could also be KILLED if they ever got into a car with the stupid maniac behind the wheel because he sure as HELL wasn’t looking where he was going, showed a complete disregard for other road users and should never have passed his f**king test in the first place if he’s going to drive like that. Amazingly Mr Bryant last night accused THIS REPORTER of having a grudge against him, alleging that The Haddock had camped outside his house for two nights, rifled through his bins and harassed his neighbours and children with muck-raking and intrusive questions. DISGRACEFULLY the coward also tried to claim that I was on the wrong side of the road and that a breathalyser showed me to be at least three times over the drink drive limit which I wasn’t and it doesn’t count anyway because the policeman wasn’t wearing his hat when he arrested me and therefore wasn’t in uniform and so was technically off duty.