Vikki Stone and Lucy Porter Monday July 9thBy Baron Haddock and Joao MoraisVikki Stone: starts off the preview of her forthcoming Edinburgh show ‘Hot Mess’ by talking about her recent Soho Theatre One Night Stand Up Award, which is sponsored by Durex.Vikki Stone walked on the stage talking about one night stands and Durex. Needless to say one missed the next bit having been compelled to visit the gents for reasons I won’t bore you with. Emerging tired and in need of a hug one gazed at her longingly. Stone describes herself as a Hot Mess and leaves it up to you to work out from which orifice the mess emerged. For services to comedy (very well deserved in our opinion) Durex gave her enough condoms to stop the spread of HIV, reverse the one-child policy and drive pope Benedict to endorse wholesale fornication. The conversation switches to cock-rings and lube, good job it’s funny because another visit to the toilets is definitely on the cards at this rate.Female comedians get a bum rap but Stone deftly sidesteps this stereotype with a rundown of which ‘Girls Aloud’ members she fancies (read; take for a spin on a ‘Rabbit’). When he hears a funny sexy woman start talking about which other sexy women she fancies, a red blooded fish like myself is instantly transported into a fog of testosterone fuelled reverie so intense that for a moment I even forget to go to the bar. Not since Daisy Donovan burst onto The Eleven O’clock Show have I found myself so torn between laughing and that warm feeling which leads to ill-advised suggestive pickup lines after the gig.Vikki can sing too. My fading teenage crush on Josie Lawrence is hastily kicked out of bed, the covers smoothed down and then flicked open to welcome Miss Stone like a new hot water bottle filled with angel’s piss. She’s as funny as Victoria Wood ever was and considerably better looking. The crowd come alive as she serenades Phillip Schofield, begging him to rest his balls on her chin (room for a couple more love?). Comic turns as Hilary Devey (Dragons Den) and a cheese-fueled parody of ‘Deal or no Deal’ finished off the evening with a brisk shake and a dab of class! Irreverent, hilarious, multi-talented and unquestionably shaggable, Vikki Stone is one to watch, or even stalk.Lucy Porter: Previews her Edinburgh show ‘People Person’Initially it seems as though Lucy Porter has come to talk to a room full of people called Lucy Porter, all of whom have the same life, feelings, outlook and find the same things funny that she does. The cute little girl from Croydon finds being a yummy mummy so hilarious that it’s blinded her to the fact that it isn’t really. Or more precisely, all the jokes have been done so many times that Cleopatra had her personal stand-up comedienne executed for retelling them in AD 62. This kind of humour goes down well at a WI meeting (not something I’d fancy doing) or perhaps a drop-in breast-feeding workshop organised once a week by the local parish, but not when the crowd has been sexually supercharged by Vikki Stone’s saucy antics. A few tired stereotypical gags about wooden toys and trying to look sexy after having a baby aren’t going to cut it.However, just when it seems we’ve heard the last ‘bloke joke’ of the evening she rallies by describing a mum and baby Salsa class as some kind of ‘Lesbian Paedo Disco’ and Dominic Littlewood (Bald, money-saving, daytime TV, permo-gurner) as a ‘Cockney Gollum’. That’s more like it! Cleverly using a narrative about a friend of hers she weaves in this imagery whilst carrying the audience along her trademark chatty style.Porter still has that ‘girl next door’ charm, and those twinkly little eyes that smile innocently whilst delivering a wonderfully constructed observation, or a razor-sharp put-down that could fell an oak tree. You can imagine her humming a pretty little lullaby as she lops off your manhood with a bread-knife and then uses it to rustle up a delicious, nutritious and economic dinner for a family of four with leftovers blitzed up for baby’s breakfast. Her dimpled cheeks draw you in like tiny little milk chocolate sphincters that vacuum away your grumpiness leaving you all gooey eyed and weak. She’s like a sugar coated cougar, somewhere between Minnie Mouse and Wednesday from the Adams Family.Even when a mobile phone interrupted her set she was able to turn it into a gag, saying that she is now immune to irritating noises having been exposed to infant toys.