Hats Off, Ms. Kittyfuck!

"Carol, wake up! You're supposed to be masturbating! And for Christ sake take off that stupid fucking hat!"

“Carol, wake up! You’re supposed to be masturbating! And for Christ sake take off that stupid fucking hat!”

Who told these women that hats were okay?

Which colossal genius behind the camera saw a perfect 10 of a woman sunbathing naked in the backyard of a ridiculously expensive mansion and yelled “cut! Somebody get a floppy sun hat on that woman immediately! You’re thinking more your friends and neighbors I’m thinking more fried green tomatoes!”

I understand wanting to switch things up. Hell, in the modern era porn is all about switching things up. We have no idea what it was like to revel in the grainy blurs of Betamax anymore! Nowadays it’s as if they’re going to someday merge porn with the drone program and be able to spot a woman masturbating in the backyard of a ridiculously expensive mansion from 30,000 feet in the air! Wearing a floppy white sun hat will be a dead giveaway.

Wearing of the Piggy Hat brings her family much shame.

Wearing of the Piggy Hat brings her family much shame.

There are many different types of hats that I’ve seen in various porns; none of them have been good. I think it was Thomas Payne who said “neither protectionary fortitude nor boner juice doth a hat serve to provide.” Ironically, he was wearing one of those funny rasta man beanie caps with fake dreadlocks hanging down when he said it.

How ironic is it that out of all of the Eskimo porn I’ve seen in my lifetime not a single one of those girls had a hat on?

In the end, I think that hats in porn are a lot like that classic line I spoke when I was in the immortal film “A League of Their Own” as a lovable truck driver: “I really don’t want to see it.” Getting blown by Geena Davis on the set of that film was awesome only because of her hatlessness!

Now pardon me, I have to go ice something.