After 33 years and a lengthy court battle, a landmark decision has been reached in the divorce proceedings between wealthy toilet paper heir Johnson Proctor and his recently discovered, now ex-wife Arlene Maepole, a 183-year-old elm tree residing in New York’s Central Park.
Counsel to Mr. Proctor were unable to sway the circuit court’s ruling due to irrefutable DNA evidence and several incriminating surveillance photographs taken in the late 70’s. As such, Judge Lon Wemble ruled on behalf of Ms. Maepole, to the tune of $10.6 million dollars – the stiffest stipend possible.
Though her legal team could not prove intentional avoidance, “it wasn’t easy to find him,” Ms. Maepole claims. “Had some plastic surgery done, and changed addresses several times. Also, I’m stuck in the ground here.”
Mr. Proctor, who is heir to the Fondle Soft toilet paper empire, has kept tight-lipped regarding the matter. In his only prepared statement her claims that “It’s well known that I have a checkered past. At that time, I was partying every weekend, doing hits of adrenochrome at Club 91 and Shakey’s…I simply don’t remember marrying this tree. I do vaguely remember waking up with splinters on occasion back then, but I generally chalked that up to lost time in the company of David Bowie.” Further questioning fell on deaf ears, as Mr. Proctor excused himself, repeatedly uttering the word “apoplexy” under his breath before being ushered into his private limousine.
Ms. Maepole is said to be pleased with the decision, and plans on distributing her new wealth among her known relatives: great aunt rocking chair, uncle dining table, and her beloved son, Long-Ass Papua New Guinea Canoe.