Horn Bill! Police to Patrol London on Rhinos.

Rhino Police

Rhino Police

You’ve seen police in cars, you’ve seen them in vans, on little mountain bikes with flashing lights and sometimes you see them sat on a large horse as it poo’s all over the road.  The police like to use horses because people feel bad about shooting them so the police don’t get hurt. Often Horses are used on stakeouts and other secret missions, the equine equivalent of a human shield or stab vest. Horses are also good at sniffing drugs, but it is understood that they try to keep consumption at a recreational level.

However, despite their versatility, the police have decided to upgrade their horse patrols in line with new government guidelines on curbing unsociable behavior and scaring the crap out of legitimate peaceful protesters. As of next month the MET will be patrolling the streets of East London on Rhinos, a more utlitarian and highly intimidating animal!  Special Constable Podkins explains.

“Yeah well your average rhino can cruise at thirty miles per hour and strikes with the same velocity as a BMW. They eat grass, enjoy smashing stuff up with their horns and the best bit is they don’t need new shoes every month.” he said. “Oh yes, and the turds are fantastic for throwing at protesters!”

We asked him what it was like to train and pilot a full grown Rhino.

“Aye, they’re bloody mad, we’ve lost six officers in the training process already, gored mainly. But it’s just collateral damage in the cause of truth and justice.” Laughed the officer (now deceased).

The World Wildlife Fund are said to be delighted with the project as it has provided a much needed cash injection into Rhino sanctuaries across the world as the MET and other police organisations have sponsored breeding programmes for the animals. The NYPD are said to be watching the experiment with interest and have put their Giraffe Squad project on hold for the moment. In France a scheme to replace all guns with lethal snakes has been given the green light barring further injury.