Howard the Duck 3D Slated for 2013 Release

Yes, really.

Yes, really.

The historic purchase of Lucasfilm by entertainment conglomerate The Walt Disney Company came as huge shock to many lifeless individuals the world-over. How would Disney handle Lucasfilm, whose classic productions such as Even More American Graffiti and Radioland Murders have shaped the modern movie-going experience?

While no broad plan of action has been publicly presented by Disney as of yet, one project that has been the buzz of online forums for weeks has today been confirmed.

To quote Disney’s Assistant Chief of Online Magicaneering Paolo Glomgold, “We’re so excited to be releasing Howard the Duck as it was meant to be presented: as a great big pile of 3D horse-shit.”

He paused for a moment to drink from his challis of liquid emeralds before continuing: “Following the Lucasfilm acquisition, we felt it was important to make a bold statement. There really is no more bold a statement than bringing Howard and the crew back to the silver screen. Not only does it introduce the brand to a younger audience, but it also promotes one of the core beliefs of the Walt Disney Company.” He respectfully declined to elaborate as to which core belief he was referring.

The Haddock caught up with George Lucas at the Montevelache Country Club where he was playing water polo with Mitt Romney and chain smoking Cuban cigars. Side-note: trained guard dogs do not recognize the legitimacy of press passes.

When asked about Howard‘s 3D treatment and the Lucasfilm acquisition in general, Mr. Lucas politely remarked “[I] think it’s great. I built Lucasfilm on a simple premise: cultivate a strong fan base, then screw them repeatedly. Like really dig in there and hammer them with your dreck. I think it’s wonderful that Disney shares that philosophy. I’m confident that my properties are in the right hands; those of a white-gloved rodent who never stops smiling.”