This is part of the testimony of Alice Portnoy, a freakishly advanced newly born toddler in Allentown, Pennsylvania who is suing her mother due to what court documents refer to as “unacceptable in utero maintenance and upkeep.”
“The place was just filthy,” claims Portnoy, carefully avoiding contact with her mother, Alice Portnoy Sr. “Let’s just say that it shares several similarities with Mars: it’s air is toxic, devoid of life-sustaining liquids, and it ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.”
Mrs. Portnoy’s contends that her uterus had “recently undergone renovations” but was “entirely up to local and federal safety standards.” “It’s my baby-basket, not a bed and breakfast!” cried the mother at one point during the hearing.
The case has drawn criticism from other hyper-developed newborns around the world. “Do you know what my life is like as a newborn in the Democratic Republic of Congo?” asks Bashanti from inside her mud cradle. “I could get eaten by a lion! I could get eaten by a python! I could get eaten by my relatives! Do you know what I’d give to be able to crawl back up into my mother you spoiled Western dwankie?!”
Council for the elder Portnoy has stated her client’s continued efforts to negotiate a reasonable end to legal proceedings. Her daughter has refused all offers at the present.