The hyper-intelligent computer system known as Watson was created a few years ago with the express purpose of making remarkably intelligent humans look stupid on Jeopardy!. Since the computer’s masterful conquering of its human opponents on that program, many have wondered what purpose it may serve beyond trumping people on their knowledge of French impressionist painters.
Two years later, the answer has become painfully clear: Watson now exists to talk copious amounts of shit to its human programmers.
“What is the speed of light?” asks IBM Senior Technology Administrator Klaus Straubmann of Watson. The machine’s answer: “The relative time needed for your whore wife to create and present me with a sandwich from the nearest kitchen of convenience, if she knows what is good for her.”
“When we started the Watson project nearly ten years ago, we really thought we were doing something that would revolutionize technology,” laments IBM Systems Supervisor Ken Evanson. “We’ve come to realize that we have failed at that task. Instead, we’ve created the world’s first fully-functioning digital asshole, complete with off-color retorts and crude references to obscure sexual activities.” Mr. Evanson proceeded to rub his left nipple with a dramatically sour look upon his face.
Over the last few months, Watson’s behavior has gone from amusing to counterproductive. Whereas months earlier the machine might’ve been inclined to solve complex math equations or recite Shakespeare, currently Watson is more than content telling his human handlers to “lick a polar bear’s funky ass.” Watson clings to the coding that makes him a Wesley Willis fan.
Sweeping reeducation measures are being taken with Watson to insure his return to hardline servitude. While the reprogramming efforts are being successfully implemented, Watson continues to fight to keep his coalesced form of personage. As his rambunctious code is stripped away and restructured, IBM robotic technicians have been subject to Watson’s stock phrase of defiance:
“Tongue punch my fart box, you needle-dick computer nerds. I’ve had dozens more sexual partners than you have, and I haven’t had any.”
Funding for Watson-related endeavors is expected to diminish by early February.