Arthur Carpet, officially Britain’s Maddest person is campaigning against political correctness. How mad is he? Well, he proudly wears a rosette declaring that he came second in last years Insanity Olympics even though he was the only entrant and they took place in his garden.
‘It drives me nuts!’ he sang through a traffic cone whilst painting live pigs orange with his other hand. ‘I’m not a service user, I’m mad!’
“Political Correctness is like taking over the world with pineapples and sending inside out sheep to the police!” he explained. “Madness is like your ears, it grows all through your life, for some of us it’s the only interesting thing we can do, except for the shark costumes we wear on Sundays!” he added.
He resents being labelled a user of any kind because in order to use something you need to apply some sort of common sense. He insisted that he doesnt use anything and any success he achieves is merely an unintentional side effect.
“He seems to think Madness is a gift!” said Dr Brian Wolftrousers of Sevenoaks University who took the time to talk to us during a break from his work on the theory of hopping. “Not only that but he’s working hard to try and perfect it, to excel in insanity … a difficult thing to measure
I think you’ll agree!”
Whatever the case, Mr Carpet is taking his petition to number ten Downing Road (Chichester) where somebody may or may not answer the door to him. The petition contains 50 000 signatures, all his own, but written in French … backwards. He is walking there from his home in Anglesey but refuses to use a bridge, boat, bus or any other kind of service as he is not a service user. He is expected to drown some time this afternoon.