Imagination can get you killed in the state of Colorado…or at the very least, it will definitely get you dispended.
Once, long ago, when the land was fertile and man was at one with nature, there was a flying purple dinosaur that sang a beautiful song all about the wonders of Imagination. Now, imagination is illegal, and there are gaping holes in the Ozone layer. Life is terrible.
Case in point, Haddock News field agent Noroom F. Thumbo recently uncovered the tale of a 7-year-old second grade student in Loveland, Colorado, who became the youngest legitimate victim of American thought crime, just because he wanted to save the world. From fucking space ninjas. You terrible adults.
During recess, the child used the power of his imagination to thwart the evil swamp robot/demon pirate/Yu-Gi-Oh!/whatever the fuck else a normal kid daydreams about forces threatening his school. The non-combat became intense. When the boy saw no other option but to huck a level-three Nemo-class plasma grenade at the onslaught of not real things, he was promptly spotted, neutralized, and black-bagged by school officials.
After being put before the school’s council of elders, the boy was suspended and all of his imaginary weapons were confiscated.
“No fighting – real or pretend; No weapons – real or pretend. THESE ARE THE ABSOLUTES!” exclaimed Principal Valerie Laura Black, supreme double-plus good overlord of Lilly White Elementary. She’s wearing military decorations, but most likely did not earn them.
When pressed about safety concerns regarding the confiscated imaginary weapons, a school administrator assured Thumbo that the arms would be stored safely in the. This industrial annex just outside of Loveland houses many such stockpiles: imaginary drug use, imaginary underage drinking, imaginary lawn dart accidents, thoughts about the thing on the wing of the plane from that Twilight Zone episode, imaginary gang signs, imaginary flag burnings, and of course, delusional utopianist landscapes (including, but not limited to, the field where the sheep jump over the fence before you fall asleep, and heaven).
“I was trying to save people and I just can’t believe I got dispended!” mouths the wide-eyed young lad. He says the words, but clearly his mind is elsewhere, as he is currently imagining himself as being geared up like a Roman gladiator for an upcoming battle in Romulax, the fictional galaxy he’s made up in his mind because he’s A FUCKING CHILD.
Other children from the school that we’re interviewed regarding this incident have voiced support for their classmate. Many consider him a hero. “Think of how many zombie vampires are still out there!” shrieks a young girl. “Who will protect us now?!”
After looking over his shoulder, another classmate offers hushed yet firm opposition to the stance of the school administration: “I feel like we need more imagination in our school, not less! I don’t feel safe at all without my light saber, attack weasel and scorpion launcher! How long before Principal Black gets those too? Glob knows how many weapons she has stored up in that office already.”
Principal Black has refused to comment about any one specific instance of Imagination Policing. It would be unfair to all the other kids who didn’t make national news.