No, not the Alabama football team, but rather the inexplicable death of hundreds of endangered mountain zebras washing up off the coast of Greenland. And anyway, fuck Greenland.*
Although the exact cause of death remains a mystery at the present, researchers have determined that the animals died only days before making landfall.
There is no shortage of theories (both scientific and homespun) as to how the zebras arrived on Greenland’s shores. Most of the natives of Gunnbjorn merely refer to it as an epidemic of “Zebrapox,” although no such contagion has been found in either the dead animals or the local children.
Others blame techno-raves, as many of the zebras were found to have neon stripes, and were still suckling on pacifiers specifically designed for equines. However others still speculate that this can be linked to acts of vandalism perpetrated by extremist jellyfish in occupied militant trenched regions of the ocean.
Consensus of the internet: a meme of a dead zebra with the text “what’s black and white and washed up dead on our fuckin’ beaches?” As is often the case, the internet failed to deliver a punch-line.
What is known is that the number of zebras that have washed up has greatly dwarfed the number of mountain zebras currently alive in the wild. As many of the local merchants in Gunnbjorn have numerous recipes involving zebra meat, it is speculated that they are somehow luring the animals on a deadly 12,500km journey across the ocean using magnets and vaporized vanilla extract. As it is well known, zebras cannot resist vanilla, and very much enjoy raving.
Whatever the cause, the staff of Haddock News wishes the best for the remaining mountain zebra population. Let’s hope it isn’t a repeat Lichtenstein, 1983. Sorry to bring it up Greenland, but you know, you should be a little sorry too.
* – Look, Greenland, we’re sorry. Just give Scooter back the $50 you owe her and we’ll tell Jodie that it was all a misunderstanding. And return the boat.