IOC Bans Athletes from Drinking Monkey Urine as a Performance Enhancer


Monkey Urine: enhances performance with half the calories of HGH!

Monkey urine, known to contain the yellowish substance ‘Pure Evil’ has been officially banned in the run up to the 2012 Olympics.

Several athletes have already been given suspended sentences after being found in possession of Gibbon and Chimp wee.

When injected into the lymph glands under the arms the urine quickly gives the user a twisted and unpleasant outlook on life, this is often accompanied by maniacal laughter and the desire to buy a fortified castle and a total disregard for the legal infrastructure and one’s fellow competitors.

It has also been incorporated into a face cream for retired athletes, keeping them young looking whilst still having the strength to smash up night clubs and punch photographers.

Security staff at the games have been told to that all pregnant women must be heavily frisked in case they are in fact harbouring primate in their clothes.

There is also a worrying trend amongst footballers, WAGS and ladettes for drinking ‘Turbo Tarzan’s’ … a drink consisting of Red Bull and Gorilla wee … leading to several violent altercations with the police.