So Iran have put a monkey into space (apparently it’s still there having accidentally bailed out) But what does this mean?
Yes, the truth has finally come out, the Iranians have bred Nuclear Monkeys!
What’s more they’re super-horny and have permanent hard-ons as they have been impregnated with Viagra!
The Monkeys (which admittedly do glow a little) will parachute into enemy territory (anywhere which isn’t Iran) and start shagging anything and everything.
The plan is to turn every animal (large enough to survive being humped by a chimpanzee) into a warhead.
“They’ve worked out how to create Plutonium from DNA!” Said Dr Brian Bentley from Oxford University. “In this way they can grow nuclear devices in the same way we grow geraniums!”*
The Viagra Nuko-Monkeys (for surely this will be their name) are still in training and many have been lost as they find it hard to strip-down and operate an AK47 assault rifle without opposable thumbs.
However, it won’t be long till the skies are filled with atomic primates bent upon sexually weaponising our cats, dogs and larger rodents.
The government are advising anyone who sees a glowing monkey to call the police and not approach it.
They are also appealing to some of the more depraved elements of society to cease intercourse with animals immediately until the curfew is lifted.
In the meantime, Ministry of Defence scientists are working on a device nick-named the ‘Dissarma-Banana’ which may be able to render the animals harmless, however they say that this won’t be ready for some time and testing will be difficult as they need a Nuko-Monkey to test it on and they don’t have one.
You have been warned.
*There is currently no evidence to suggest that Nuclear Geraniums exist so if you’re a Geranium breeder, don’t send us a complaint!