Jags Slags and Shopping Bags

The government are urging motorists to drive slower or not at all if possible. A spokesman from Westminster explained that these measures are a direct response to the worsening situation in the Middle East and not just another way of preventing the working man from going about his business so that the rich and powerful can keep all the oil for themselves.

“Bastards just want to keep it! More Jags, slags and shopping bags for the hoi polloi if you ask me!” Said Vic Triol, a taxi driver from Lewisham. “How am I gonna run my business without petrol? Maybe I should only pickup punters who’ve brought their own! If rich politicians want to catch a cab they’ll have to carry a tank of petrol with them!” He laughed and then coughed up something gross.

 “We’re just trying to save the planet!” Insisted Julie warned, from the Department of the Environment. “Why do people always think we’re looking after ourselves and living this fantastic life at the expense of the lower classes?” She added. “Do try the Beluga by the way it’s just divine darling.” She concluded, offering us a couple of blinis loaded up with Caviar.  

 A memo leaked from number ten Downing Street last night also hints at a new initiative asking people not to eat. For every day a British citizen agrees not to eat they will receive points, much like Tesco points or Tiger Tokens. The points can be exchanged for luxury goods like used cars and light aircraft.  Killing two birds with one stone the plan is to reduce obesity and energy costs in one hit! When Haddock reporters suggested that giving people cars and aeroplanes was not an incentive as both are effectively useless if the public cannot use fuel, we were met with stony silence … and the Caviar was put back in the fridge!