Jesus Returns, Republicans Crucify Him for Offering Free Healthcare

Jesus offers free healthcare

Jesus offers free healthcare which angers Republicans

The world was shocked when the light was seen in the night sky. Many had wondered if it was a meteor or an effect from the recent Supermoon. However, neither were true as the light that fell from the sky and landed on earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.” Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher.

Republicans quickly learned of his arrival and dispatched a team of representatives to greet the leader and make sure he was on their side of the political spectrum. Upon hearing about the free medical services he provided to the local residents, the GOP quickly asked Jesus to make sure and charge the individuals a standard physician’s fee in order to avoid any appearance of a Republican offering free medical services to the needy as “that is not something that corresponds with Republican values.”

Jesus quickly denied to charge for the services rendered. Upon explaining that he had come back to heal the sick and feed the needy for free, Republicans again demanded that he instead charge for services rendered “like every other red blooded American.”

Jesus responded by going to a local hospital and curing every patient in addition to paying their outstanding medical bills and giving them free food for life. Incensed Republicans quickly tied Jesus to a pickup truck and drove him to the county Republican headquarters. GOP leaders placed a contract in front of Jesus demanding that he cease and desist all forms of “liberal, socialist, or otherwise kind” activities. Jesus refused to sign the contract and instead transformed the pen in front of him into a loaf of bread.

Furious Republicans began constructing a cross by destroying office furniture and placed the contraption on the front lawn of their offices. Jesus willingly climbed up the cross and shouted “Obama 2012!” before drawing his last breath.

Sources indicate that Jesus may come back from the dead in three days as a zombie to feast on the brains of Republicans. Food stations are standing by to care for the leader as he may very well starve otherwise.

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