The US Navy has been deployed to the Black Sea in order to aid Ukraine against Russian attack. However, the US Government will not lend use of it’s Elite Dolphin Attack Force, as they are the best friends of Vice President Joe Biden.
“The Vice President has made it clear that our assistance to the Ukrainian military does not extend to the use of the dorsal fin brigade,” stated Col. Stanley Pervish. “Mr. Biden considers the animals close personal friends and his closest confidantes; deploying the animals would be detrimental to national security.”
Biden often spends dozens of hours a week with the sea creatures, frolicking through the waves in their holding tank and playing with brightly-colored rings and hoops. They focus their discussions on foreign policy, domestic industry, eastern philosophy, and west end girls.
This is not a permanent denial however: Mr. Biden has confirmed that once technology exists where he can “ride the dolphins like Aquaman,” he will gladly allow Ukraine access to his undersea compadres.
For more on Biden’s porpoise play-pals, click here.