English people the world over wait with bated to get a glimpse of the latest in monarchical luxury: The Duchess of Cambridge signature series Heir 1 human infant!
The newly designed, scientifically engineered heir to the British crown jewels is just entering its final stages of production. Any hour now, every simpleton in the nation will be calling it a half day and getting knackered to bits (because really, we need more reasons to drink in this country).
Prince William is said to be chain smoking in the hospital waiting area, ashing cigarettes in the public drinking fountains and asking nurses if “they know who the fuck [he] is?!”