On Tuesday, the Institute for Advanced Wetness Studies published a report detailing what some academics are calling “the most important scientific discovery of last Tuesday.” Finally, after thousands of years of mysticism, faith, and superstition, mankind now knows how Rainbows work.
According to the study: “Rainbows are a natural phenomena resulting from the refraction and reflection of rainwater droplets. Really, it’s just that simple. $4.3 million well spent.” They shot the announcement out to the press via the Large Hadron Collider, which they nicknamed “The $400,000 Panache” for the event.
The twenty-five page study may prove to be an unequivocal nail in the coffin for deniers of Rainbow Science. After its release, the world instinctively turned to leading Fundamental Rainbologist, entertainer and spiritual leader Kermit the Frog (born Elliot Kermit Blaszkiewicz) for his response.
One of the world’s most beloved performers, Kermit’s Movement of the Divine Sprectrum worship center has been notably progressive on many issues, most notably interspecies marriage. However, the group has, since its inception, refused to alter their beliefs that Rainbows are “visions” and “illusions with nothing to hide…as bestowed upon us by Glathmarg, the Ethereal Hand of Earthly Goodness.”
The eyes of the Fundamentalist Rainbology community upon him, Kermit has now issued the following statement:
“Let me be clear: I find strength in my beliefs, and do not think that science has all the facts. I will forever stand by the Book of Connections 23:14: And lo, the divinity of the Rainbowian spectrum shall bring us into oneness; lovers, dreamers, and me. In the name of Henson, amen.”
He then sipped a cup of iced tea and said “You’re all going to hell…but that’s none of my business.”
UPDATE: Bill Nye the Science Guy has offered a lengthy debate which would assuredly accomplish nothing.