Accepting, for a moment, that Lance Armstrong has about as much chance of making a comeback into the sporting world as Rudolf Hess running a bagel stall in Central Park, he’s finally accepted that a career change may be in order.
Using the slogan ‘If you can’t beat em, cheat em!’ he is working with a group of unscrupulous horse breeders in an attempt to create the world’s fastest racehorse.
By pumping a horse embryo full of high grade Speed!
The so called ‘Ampheta-horse’ will be capable of speeds in excess of 90mph and able to jump fifteen to twenty foot fences with ease.
Despite the obvious moral implications of such a scientific bastardisation, Jockey’s are queuing up to have a go!
“Bloody hell, that sounds like fun!” Said one particularly diminutive jockey who is currently serving a ban for drinking Baby Bio!
At the moment Amphteta-horse’ is just an ‘Ampheta-foal’ but is already capable of running at a steady 50mph with a Steinway Concert Grand piano strapped to it’s back.
“How is this not progress?” said his trainer. “It’s fookin evolution unfolding
before your very eyes that is!”
Members of the Government are also said to be interested, albeit anonymously.
After all, if horses can run as fast as cars, they could be the low-emission, green
alternative that everyone has been waiting for to help meet their carbon reduction
Armstrong has also received enquiries from airlines and is believed to be looking
into developing an ‘Ampheta-seagull’.
“A few hundred of those babies could carry the fuselage of a 747 across the Atlantic
in record time without the need to plant a hundred fucking saplings!” Said an
Ampheta-Whales are also said to be in the pipeline and the military are said to be
looking at ampheta-hornets, rattle snakes and even ampheta-anthrax!