A state of flustered confusion was in the air Thursday when a remarkably large hat was spotted at Denver International Airport. Though there was no suspicious behavior attempted by the hat, its sheer massiveness rendered the chapeau a “Class E Inexplicability” on the grounds that “what human being could possibly wear a hat that size?”
For the first twenty minutes of the mammothly large topper’s time in the airport, it sat quietly near a baggage claim carousel as if it were to begin consuming the first tasty looking piece of luggage to come down the line.
The very large hat did not do this.
It instead proceeded to the newstandy-type store and picked up a copy of Popular Mechanic and a bag of gummy bears. It paid in cash – in the sense that there was already a rolled up $20 in the hat’s brim waiting for the lady at checkout. Her hands shook as she cautiously accepted the legal tender.
It milled near the food court for a while (not reading the magazine) before exiting the airport, hailing a taxi and folding itself into the back seat.
Security at the airport were mindful of the veritably enormous headwear from the moment it entered the the check-in area. “You don’t see a hat like that and not take notice,” claims Arnold Revera, head of the task force which handles situations involving large and questionable items.
“We were most concerned about the potential for there to be a human being trapped beneath it,” said Airport Operations Manager Calvin Reed. “Because if there was, it could very well have been a hostage situation.”
No reports were filed because hey, more shit’s just gunna happen tomorrow.