Laser Owl is NOT to blame for attacks on Dutch village!

Laser Owl, valiantly saving Valentine's Day

Laser Owl, valiantly saving Valentine’s Day

Impostor!

As we all know, Laser Owl is a hero. He shoots lasers from his eyes, and he can stop all bad things from happening. The stoic, graceful bird has saved Valentine’s Day from the Hallmark Corporation, defeated the TupperWarewolf, and even beat president Barack Obama in a spirited game of table tennis. He is a friend to children, and a very generous lover.

It these attributes that make a spate of heinous owl attacks in the Dutch village of Permurend that much more disturbing. For not only are innocent pedestrians being attacked by a winged attacker, but it appears that the attacks are meant to cast dispersion on Laser Owl’s good name!

The Dutch Interior Minister has released the following statement: “After contacting the Pentagon, United Nations, NATO, and the East African Business Council, we have come to the conclusion that Laser Owl is in no way responsible for the owl attacks in the village of Permurend. This is corroborated by the fact that Laser Owl has been on holiday in Brazil for the past month.”

It is believed that the owl may be the work of a mad scientist, or a Mecha-Laser Owl from outer space. Or it might just be a regular owl that’s pissed off about something. Owl therapists are being consulted regarding the latter.

Laser Owl himself could not be reached for comment, as he is currently an honorary judge in Brazil’s National Booty Shaking Tournament (a position he takes very, very seriously).

For more avian night terrors, click here.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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