Leave your Newlywed German Bride at the gas station

Every one of my four divorces happened for the exact same reason: marriage is fucking stupid. You go into it thinking that it’s going to be one thing, and then it ends up being a fight to the death at a couple’s pottery class.

High-quality sex professionals are the best way to free yourself from this toxic relationship habit, but not all of us are made of gold doubloons. As such, I’ve often been an advocate of what I call the “Mate-and-Switch.” It involves marrying a German girl and then leaving her at a gas station.

Ich bin ein Schwantzgobblen!

Look, do what’s right for you, but we all know that Germans are willing to do a number of crazy freaky sexy thingies that others just aren’t willing to do. Paradoxically, they can be shy, and sometimes require a golden finger-loop and/or a chastity belt lock picker’s expertise in order to access their guarded Bavarian nethers.

Solution? Give that wonderful fraulein the works. Give her a fairy tale wedding, paid for with a credit card that you know has no available funds, a cake stolen from the local hospice, and her ridiculous body wrapped in a dress purchased in the Meatpacking District. Say it was your Aunt Giana’s.

Then lay her down in a mossy glen, under a velvety lavender sky. Attempt every position in the Kama Sutra, mixed with a little Cirque du Soliel and a 90’s Prince stage performance.

Love.

…and then promptly leave her ass (and the rest of that bang-o body) at a petrol pump while listening to Three 6 Mafia and feeling great about the grimy shit you just did to all her openings on a special night that will be the first and last of your connected life as spouses.

Monster! What about that poor woman!

Empowerment, that’s what! Instant role reversal! Maestro!

Ich bin ein Schlichtenlichten!

Look, do what’s right for you, but we all know that Germans are willing to blah blah blah all that stuff I already said. Ladies, strap up and be the HBIC in this situation. Prove you’re a strong independent lady who liked it enough to put a ring on it and YOLOed enough to steal it back from him while he was taking a leak. Leave that moronic muscly cock-thruster at the gas station too. Have him leave his watch on the payphone when he calls you whimpering. Fuck him.

This guy got the jist of my moral compass. Almost got away with it too, but you know, cops and shit. “Thanks for fixing things, you societal bulwark! So great to have to deal with this moody German chick for all these years to come!”

Don’t be like that guy. Do it right: get in, get out, and get something. Joey Ultrasex said it best: “all these people getting married don’t want to be lonely…I just don’t want to be sad.”

That shit is forever. Gas stationed, bitch!!

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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