Thursday, superstar baller Lebron James has announced that he’s planning on purchasing an entire country in the middle east. “I haven’t decided whether to call it Lebronanon, Lebabron, or Three-Pointer From Downtown on that Bitch Ass-istan,” claims James.
According to James’ representation, the country will evacuate 80% of existing residents, making way for Lebron’s royal palace, four hundred swimming pools, squash court, more swimming pools, and a free-range pig farm “just to piss off the neighbors.” Lebron doesn’t hold his company in the region in great esteem, as he is of the Jewish faith.
This of course is not the first time a crazy rich person has purchased large portions of the globe. The eccentric millionaire Richard Branson owns a private island that is large enough to qualify for entry into the United Nations. When Branson was asked about Lebron’s choice in real estate, he replied that “it’s a lovely part of the world. The Richard Branson Industrial Complex wishes Mr. James great success, and hopes that our two nations will one day enjoy a healthy trade partnership.”
He is set to attend the groundbreaking ceremony for Lebron’s new nation, at which he will present him with an iPod.
When asked about some of his intentions as ruler of his new country, Lebron was quick to point out some of his key policies: “first of all, women will have the right to vote, drive, and sleep with other women. That is very important to me. Secondly, women will not be allowed to play volley ball. Third, Paul Pierce isn’t allowed anywhere in the country. And fourth, everyone gets a pony.” He then proceeded to take a large amount of champagne into his mouth, only to spit it at members of the Japanese sporting press.