By Joshuah Creswell
The late Leona Helmsley, the New York property tycoon and so called “queen of mean,” whose holdings once included the Empire State Building and 23 hotels, has tackled the burgeoning real estate racket in the fiery depths of the underworld.
Hell’s population has skyrocketed in the years since the cultural revolutions of the 1960s, due to the decline of morals and spread of hedonistic values in Western society.
As people pour in, beach front property along the Lake of Fire has become a real ‘hot commodity,’ with its stunning views of tormented, burning souls. Helmsley is collaborating with high ranking Demons to transform this once barren abyss into a teeming city of condos and hotels that are, proudly, the most treacherous in all of Hell.
“She truly has a passion for torture,” remarked Beelzebub, one of her long time admirers.
Her new company, Helmsley’s Hades Holdings, LLC, currently owns dozens of apartment complexes, including the dreaded ‘Ninth Ring Estates’ and ‘Sodom Suits.’
She has also invested in several cruise ships along the River Styx, where guests are forced to endure dips in hot lava, all-that-can-eat-you buffets, and watered-down cocktails over bland jazz music. Former dictator, Pol Pot has teamed up with Helmsley to develop a disciplinary summer camp where children learn arts and crafts, and then are impaled on stakes.
To boost her image, she was a recent contestant on Hell’s most popular game show, Wheel of Torture, and had a cameo appearance on As the World Burns.
Her latest acquisition, the legendary Brimstone Restaurant, has the demented undead literally selling their souls to sink their pitchforks into one of Chef Jeffrey Dahmer’s daily creations. Some guests are, reluctantly, ending up on the menu themselves.
Helmsley relocated to hell in 2007, after a long life marked by abusive behavior towards her employees, imprisonment for tax fraud, and even destroying a marriage for financial gain. Unable to transfer her assets to hell, she famously willed a multimillion dollar trust fund to her pet dog, Trouble, who, upon his death, left the money to a favorite chew toy. The chew toy is currently incarcerated on charges of tax evasion and extortion.