Lord Heseltine Threatens to Overthrow Coalition


Former 1950s pop singer Lord Heseltine ended his recent economic report with: ‘tanks are now on standby; at the push of an email send button, the coalition will be rounded up and I will lead an emergency government’. This is not the first time Lord Heseltine has threatened a coup. In 1990, sources told The Haddock that the code word of a military overthrow of Thatcher in his favour would be a telephone message reading: Set fire to her beehive hair.

Mass denial

In an exclusive to The Haddock and four other newspapers, Heseltine denied that the last paragraph of his damning economic report:

‘When I said tanks, I was reffering to metaphorical tanks’ Heseltine paused to mop cognac from his brow. ‘There is nothing in the statement to suggest that I want to overthrow the government’

Brushing back his ex-golden mane, he answered all the pre-prepared questions.


The actual government have hired security firm G4US for survalliance against the Tory Peer. Having done such a professional thorough job parking cars at the Olympics, they were the right men and or women for the job. A spokesman told the Press Association:

‘This isn’t espionage, it’s just common sense. When a man in his seventies says the word ‘tanks’ we take this threat very seriously. That’s why we have hired the best men and or women for the job’

The spokesman went home early due to a nasty attack of heartburn.