M25 To be Replaced with Large Hadron Collider

At a press conference this morning, transport secretary Philip Hammond announced new measures to ease congestion on the London Orbital. The M25 is to be replaced with a super-sized version of the Large Hadron Collider at Cern.

The new transport system will have six lanes in both directions and will be over 117 miles long  but Mr Hammond regretted that there would be no service stations on account of the fact that the high speeds attained in a hadron collider would probably negate the need for a comfort stop. 

 With this in mind the speed limit of the road will also need to be adjusted to 66,965 000 MPH, a little shy of the speed of light as it is nearly impossible to go any slower. There won’t be any signposts either for obvious reasons and it has been advised that road users switch off their sat-navs to prevent them sustaining  permanent psychological damage.  Journey times will also need to be altered significantly as in all likelihood you may arrive at your destination some time before embarking upon your journey.

Due to the massive cost of the system there was expected to be a toll to pay before using it but Mr Hammond has assured the public this will not be the case having collected enough money from the Dartford Bridge and Tunnel respectively to fund a war on Mars for up to seven years using platinum bullets.

Fears of the road turning London into a giant black hole have been laid to rest by the announcement that novelist Dan Brown will be project managing the system.