A flock of man-eating turkeys has launched a surprise attack on the Norfolk village of Corksberry killing and eating over seventy people, nobody knows where the birds came from.
By the time emergency services arrived it was too late, the birds had walked the coop.
There are very real fears that the militant turkeys will strike again and this time in greater numbers.
Although it is not realistic to suggest that the animals are holed up somewhere planning their campaign, according to ex special forces security expert Ike Plasma, the attack shows all the hallmarks of a professional guerrilla hit.
“They moved two-a-breast, knocking the stuffing out of anyone who stood in their way and gobbled up everything in their past! ” He said. “Beautiful man, f*cking beautiful work!”
Dr Winchester Giblet, a Turkey psychologist from Washington State University arrived at the crime scene this morning having been flown in specially by the police.
The Haddock caught up with the Doctor and asked him about his findings.
“They want Bernard Matthews!” he said. “It’s a revenge attack for what they call the Christmas Holocaust!”
When we asked him how he knew this he was reluctant to say, he just closed his eyes and put two fingers on his temple.
If Dr Giblet’s findings are correct then the Turkey’s are searching in vain. Mr Matthews passed away last year and is therefore beyond reproach.
Turkey farmers across the UK are being warned to watch their birds carefully as Dr Giblet’s findings suggest that the Christmas favorites have been harboring a grudge for many years and may be about to launch a mass attack.
There are enough of them to cause significant damage to the UK population, particularly at this time of year.
The police are advising anyone who encounters a turkey behaving suspiciously not to approach it, and most certainly not mention either Christmas, Sage & Onions or make any reference to basting!
You have been warned.