“Look, I’m not the type of guy who just up and assaults woodland creatures. I’m an investment banker from Tacoma. I have a wife, Maggie, and a son named Eric. I’m still working out whether I’m proud of him or not. That aside, the animal combat stuff just isn’t my deal.”
That is the official statement from Henry Gaveran, an investment banker from Tacoma (who has a wife named Maggie, and a questionable son named Eric). Mr. Gaveran was found deep within a Washington state conservation site last Tuesday. He wrestled a god-damn elk.
“At first, I felt like we were experiencing a state of unity,” claims Gaveran. “But once the deep cuddling became too much, it was clear that the beast and I were no longer in alignment.” It was at that time that Henry leapt to heels, tore his pleated pants into a corduroy loin cloth, and beckoned the creature to advance.
The physical contest was viscous, as would be expected in a bout between a man in a Mastodon shirt and an enraged land mammal. Gaveran sustained a concussion as well as numerous cuts and bruises. The elk was ripped to shreds. Pulpy, gore-strewn shreds. Bloody strands of just, elk innards, everywhere.
Gaveran claims that the source of his instantly-onset connection to nature, keen tracking abilities, and altogether insane human physicality stemmed from an otherwise innocuous birthday present: a t-shirt bearing the artwork from the cover of “Crack the Skye,” the 2009 masterwork by the heavy metal band Mastodon. Henry has been a metalhead since junior high school and refuses to give it up, even at the behest of his wife. Henry’s wife doesn’t understand music.
Following the altercation with the elk (and once he regained consciousness and functionality), Mr. Gaveran issued the following warning to fellow mosh pit dwellers who otherwise cherish a life in the upper-middle class: “…there will be times in life when you feel like whoever it is that you are. You’ll feel like going to work, following protocol, maintaining the ridiculously shitty existence you’re comfortable with…all of that will feel exactly right. Then, you’re going to get a Mastodon shirt. Shit is going to change very quickly after that.”