Man stalked by sentient gym equipment

Offender!

Offender!

Todd Coefeld is a reasonably in-shape man; not a body builder or triathlete, but he can see his toes and pull a broad under the right circumstances. Enjoys a jog, handy with a lawnmower. This is why it is so curious that Mr. Coefeld seems to be the victim of an aggravated stalking campaign. By a rowing machine.

Man stalked by rowing machine!

Oh no, but it isn’t just the one.

“I’ll never forget the morning that I woke up with an elliptical machine in the dining room,” recalls Mr. Coefeld. “It stared at me with those cold, cold…well an elliptical machine doesn’t have eyes, but I could tell what was what. Then it ran away.”

Man stalked by rowing and elliptical machines!

And also an assisted dips machine that sits in the tree outside of his bedroom window, and a leg press that walks its dog in front of Coefeld’s house at all hours of the day and night.

SO MUCH STALKING!

“Nowadays, I just expect that, first thing in the morning, there will be at least one or two dumbbells thrown through my downstairs windows,” claims Coefeld, while fixing lemonade for his housekeeper. “They won’t stop until they’ve gotten what they’re after.”

Some believe these attacks are signs from Vishnu for Coefeld to shirk his job in the pig slaughtering industry and take up mechanical engineering. Others believe it to be a sign of rising sea levels due to global warming. Todd Coefeld is considering contacting an exorcist.

“There is no place for possessed athletic equipment in a civilized society!” he exclaims before bursting into tears.

It is advised to keep all windows and doors locked, and keep an eye out for suspicious exercise contraptions in your neighborhood. Just don’t go all Zimmerman on anyone.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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