Media tries desperately to make Kelly Osbourne hot; doesn’t work

Christ almighty...

Christ almighty…

Media tries desperately to make Kelly Osbourne hot; doesn’t work

After numerous attempts at portraying Kelly Osbourne as sexually desirable to the public, the media as a whole has decided to throw in the towel. As of today, all coverage of Osbourne will be presented as she actually is: odd-looking.

“We’ve tried everything!”

After Kelly’s dramatic weightloss, it seemed that there might be hope for desirability. Osbourne even began injecting herself with the blood of Angelina Jolie. Sadly, nothing seemed to stick.

Industry insiders say that the decision was a tough: “we gave up on portraying her as ‘talented’ a long time ago, so going for looks was a natural move strategically,” claims a reporter for Generic Female Magazine. “We really wanted her to be a darling of the public. Unfortunately, she has that…face.”

After years of tireless effort, positive spin was felt by a majority of media outlets to be a lost cause. One metrosexual fashion blogger was said to have openly wept over the change.

Osbourne will likely be unphased by the decision. Or she might begin hunting down strippers to make into a skin coat and dance in front of a mirror to “Goodbye Horses.” Who the fuck knows what goes on in the brains of some people.

Also, Angelina Jolie wants her blood back.