Mexico becomes world’s largest exporter of Teenage Assassins

Even the delivery men have rifles; he's that dangerous!

Even the delivery men have rifles; he’s that dangerous!

Teenage Wasteland!

In Mexico, where death is common, it is fairly regular to see young people with fully automatic weapons killing at the hands of druglords. But is it right to ship these still-developing kill machines to other countries?

The answer may not be yes, but fuck if that isn’t what’s happening anyway. What all started as simple retaliation for the United States’ botched “Fast and Furious” gun smuggling operation has turned into a booming cottage industry: grade-school hit men, direct to your door.

Guaranteed fresh or your money back!

For just the price of your daily cup of coffee, you can adopt Juanito. He likes ice cream, Beyonce, and horses. He can put a crowbar through your eye socket without flinching. He also likes to draw.

“It’s like having a little beardless Richard Kuklinski, right here in my living room!” claims a satisfied foster parent in Belgium. “He’s a shoo-in for the next Brussels Hunger Games. Thanks Mexico!”

Indeed, with trained murders shipped to over seventeen different countries, Mexico has become the world’s biggest exporter of youth assassins. An honorary plaque now hangs in Mexico City to commemorate this achievement.

For more on this potentially hazardous growth industry, click here.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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